My So Called (Adult ) Life

So, here I am. I finally got my shit together long enough to actually move out and rent a room that I can call my own. I make my own money, I buy my own stuff, I drive myself pretty much wherever I need . So, Why do things feel so weird? When I moved out, I was excited to have my own life and freedom, but now, for some reason. when I am left alone with my own thoughts things become a bit too real for me. I have to worry about bills and how I am going to get to work. I have to worry about school and bettering my life so that I can have a career and a good life someday.  And yet, I am reminded of how little I  truly have to concern myself with and feel lucky. for some reason though, I live in slight dread thought that I really only have lower to go from here. As life goes on, things are just going to get even more treacherous and playing this death defying game is only going to go so far until a loose rock under my foot causes the final fall and off the cliff I go. No, this is not some stupid or depressing suicide note that I am leaving. I am just trying to find that balance in life and am trying to find it somehow in the letters I type in this page. I know that while life itself can get bit shaky and scary, there will be some point along the way that will be the foot hold I will need to steady myself so I can keep going. It's like climbing a rock wall. It takes time and at that exact moment it is hard to find that right footing you need to continue on, but eventually, you find that little bump that your foot can grab onto and you can keep going. Right now I am only at the bottom of the rock wall and while there is a log way to go, there is always going to be those cushy matts at the bottom so if I fall I will get right back up.

My non romantical romances

According to every movie, book, television show ever written, love and romance seem to go hand in hand complimenting each other and making it so that you feel like if you are lacking one or the other there is something incredibly wrong. But, really most of us, here in the real world, are deeply lacking if not only one but both of these qualities in our life. We either possess love or romance each one enhancing the other emotion. What is love? The way that you make me feel? The way that you dress or smell that makes someone long for another? Really, is it just an acceptable way to be obsessed with a person with out making things creepy? And, if you do find that you are in "love" with some one what is "true love"? Is it just a mutual infatuation? I can't function without you as much as you can function without me? To me- that sounds awful. It doesn't seem like that is something I would want to have- I want a TV romance. I want someone to be completely  enthralled with me. I want roses and satin sheets and after sex snuggling damnit!! But, this doesn't happen in the real world. I blame you entirely society, putting all of the grandiose ideas into my head and making me believe that this actually happens. What I have come to realize though, is that more often than not, these two things do not coexist in relationships today. Yes, I might have a crush on someone and want to be romantic and cute with them, but they don't want that. They just want to cut to the chase and get to the good stuff at the center of my tootsie pop. Or, if you do find love and you are happy with that person then after a short while all the fun and excitement gets sucked out and then you just end up having sex because you are bored not because you are actually in lust with them. oh and then, there are those special situations in which you find a person that you might kinda sorta feel friendly love for and there may be some mild attraction and Pow! You become a whole lot closer than just sitting next to each other on the couch. Ahhh, the good old f@#$ buddy system. Man, do you think that when we were kids and they told us to use the "buddy system" things would have been taken literally? I know. That was terrible. I am not a comedian just a girl with too much in her mind and even more to say. But any ways... Why? Why can't things be the way that stupid trashy romance novels make them? I want a steamy relationship like 50 Shades of Gray (sans the whole chains and whips thing) not like a Crayola coloring book.