My So Called (Adult ) Life

So, here I am. I finally got my shit together long enough to actually move out and rent a room that I can call my own. I make my own money, I buy my own stuff, I drive myself pretty much wherever I need . So, Why do things feel so weird? When I moved out, I was excited to have my own life and freedom, but now, for some reason. when I am left alone with my own thoughts things become a bit too real for me. I have to worry about bills and how I am going to get to work. I have to worry about school and bettering my life so that I can have a career and a good life someday.  And yet, I am reminded of how little I  truly have to concern myself with and feel lucky. for some reason though, I live in slight dread thought that I really only have lower to go from here. As life goes on, things are just going to get even more treacherous and playing this death defying game is only going to go so far until a loose rock under my foot causes the final fall and off the cliff I go. No, this is not some stupid or depressing suicide note that I am leaving. I am just trying to find that balance in life and am trying to find it somehow in the letters I type in this page. I know that while life itself can get bit shaky and scary, there will be some point along the way that will be the foot hold I will need to steady myself so I can keep going. It's like climbing a rock wall. It takes time and at that exact moment it is hard to find that right footing you need to continue on, but eventually, you find that little bump that your foot can grab onto and you can keep going. Right now I am only at the bottom of the rock wall and while there is a log way to go, there is always going to be those cushy matts at the bottom so if I fall I will get right back up.

My non romantical romances

According to every movie, book, television show ever written, love and romance seem to go hand in hand complimenting each other and making it so that you feel like if you are lacking one or the other there is something incredibly wrong. But, really most of us, here in the real world, are deeply lacking if not only one but both of these qualities in our life. We either possess love or romance each one enhancing the other emotion. What is love? The way that you make me feel? The way that you dress or smell that makes someone long for another? Really, is it just an acceptable way to be obsessed with a person with out making things creepy? And, if you do find that you are in "love" with some one what is "true love"? Is it just a mutual infatuation? I can't function without you as much as you can function without me? To me- that sounds awful. It doesn't seem like that is something I would want to have- I want a TV romance. I want someone to be completely  enthralled with me. I want roses and satin sheets and after sex snuggling damnit!! But, this doesn't happen in the real world. I blame you entirely society, putting all of the grandiose ideas into my head and making me believe that this actually happens. What I have come to realize though, is that more often than not, these two things do not coexist in relationships today. Yes, I might have a crush on someone and want to be romantic and cute with them, but they don't want that. They just want to cut to the chase and get to the good stuff at the center of my tootsie pop. Or, if you do find love and you are happy with that person then after a short while all the fun and excitement gets sucked out and then you just end up having sex because you are bored not because you are actually in lust with them. oh and then, there are those special situations in which you find a person that you might kinda sorta feel friendly love for and there may be some mild attraction and Pow! You become a whole lot closer than just sitting next to each other on the couch. Ahhh, the good old f@#$ buddy system. Man, do you think that when we were kids and they told us to use the "buddy system" things would have been taken literally? I know. That was terrible. I am not a comedian just a girl with too much in her mind and even more to say. But any ways... Why? Why can't things be the way that stupid trashy romance novels make them? I want a steamy relationship like 50 Shades of Gray (sans the whole chains and whips thing) not like a Crayola coloring book.

The Lunar Libra

Ahhh sigh. October is finally here. I feel like I have been waiting for my most favorite month for so long, as if it were an old friend. I am ready to fully embrace its presence, take it in and hold it. This month is not my favorite for the obvious reasons of my birthday, Columbus day (same day as my birthday) or even Halloween. Don't get me wrong, I love those things too but they are not the feature points in my life. It is my favorite month because I feel like it is the one I can connect with the most. I don't know if you believe in Astrology, but I am a libra and my specific zodiac sign is connected to the moon. I am not sure if the two are connected but for some reason I feel much more safe and secure during the month of October than I do in any other time of year.

For me, October is a very emotional month. My grandparents wedding anniversary is the 2nd, the anniversary of my grandma's death is the 16th and my great uncle died on the first, just 11 days before I was born. While October is full of sadness for my family, it is still the time I look forward to the most. Maybe it is the fact that on Halloween we welcome our loved ones who have passed - or maybe it is a time of cleansing. I think that this is why I have such a strong connection with October. 

During this time I, much like the turning trees, have grown yet another year older and must shed the events of the past year. I must carry all my burdens until October, and then, as a birthday gift to myself I let them all change color and blow away in the wind. This sounds so morbid, but it really is a time of self rejuvenation after all the trying times of the past year.

Who really knows why I feel this way about October, all I can do is speculate, but I think that it is possible to have a connection with something so obscure. The moon is full of power and it at its most beautiful during October. Connections?

As this wonderful season passes so quickly I just try and take one day at a time. Let go of one leaf a day and then be ready for what ever new things the coming year has to offer. I know that I will have the guidance of my relatives past and will have the moon as my shining light. With all of these things to guide me, I know that I will make it through this catharsis and feel cleansed in the end. Thank October, for always making me feel better.

trick or treat,

Sarah

Pssshhh, Relationships...

So, the last time I wrote I told you all about my family. While I covered the pertinent people in my life I "forgot" to mention my "father", if that is what he is... Yes, he was the reason for my creation but I don't know if he was ever much more than that to me. Anyways, enough about that awful mess and on to bigger and much better things.
Have you ever seriously thought about relationships? Not just boyfriend/girlfriend stuff but the relationships you have in general? They are pretty interesting. Friendships are great, you meet a person and then through proper evaluation of common interests mixed with a very basic non verbal personality test you decide that you can either be friends or just acquaintances. So why is it that the relationships we have with our family have to be sooo much more difficult to have/maintain? Why can it be, "I really don't think we have very much in common, and you kinda piss me off. Go away" and you just carry on as acquaintances? Everything is so much harder. Its usually "what is wrong? why don't you communicate with me? Don't you care about the rest of us? Why are you so self absorbed?" Good God, just think about it, if you were in this kind of relationship with a guy you would kill yourself because they are soo clingy. Every one hates clingy people until they become them. Wouldn't it be nice to just answer "Well, I don't talk to you because you say nothing that is at all important to me and we have nothing even remotely in common other than some genetics."? Oh, wow, if only in a perfect world...Now, I understand that there are many people that come from very functional families that all get along and it is sunshine and rainbows all the time(...no...?) but for those of us who have problems with trying to make it through family events or occasions with out mass amounts of hard liquor or throwing yourself in front of a moving car, hopefully you can relate to what I have written and don't think that I am absolutely crazy.
By now you are probably thinking, " God, this girl is a serious cynic and has a strong hate for the world", but I promise that I actually do have some really amazing relationships. The best part of it all  is that these are the relationships that I choose to have. These people are in my life because I picked them out of the universe (or maybe they picked me.. who knows) and thought they were important enough to be here. These are the people who matter and the ones that continue to make you either laugh, cry or inspire you in some way. These are the ones that greatly surmount the negativity in our lives. And these relationships are the ones that remind us the we are not alone no matter how alone we feel.
Even when we have noting we always have something- Friends

Chocolate and Poptarts (and friends),
Sarah

My First Time

If you are reading this and thinking that this is going to be some retelling of a steamy situation in regards to young teen girl, then this is where the line ends. All you a going to get out of this post is a short to moderate length summary of my life thus far.
 In short, I was raised by my hard working single mom and my "old school" grumpy grandpa.My mom and I have been through some pretty interesting things over the past 18 years of my life, but  because of her I know that I can come out of anything if I just believe in myself. I know I know, cliched and stupid, but still very true.
Grandpa, on the other hand,  is a whole different ball game. We fight, we argue, we piss each other off and sometimes he makes me want to throw myself in front of large moving objects, but every now and then, he does something completely opposite and entirely frustrating - he will do something nice. Damn him, catching me off guard and making me not mad anymore.. Grumble.. All in all, he has his moments but I know that he actually cares. 
In addition to the family I have spent my entire existence with we have added 3 more to this crazy grouping of people we call family. Dave is my moms boy friend of almost a year and he has 2 great kids, Kelly and Joey. Kelly has really become like my little sister over the course of this past 8 months or so and is the reason for which I am sharing my life with you. Joey is a very funny little dude and his main loves in life are Jack in the Box, super heroes and his grandma. Later on in life he plans to" work for Jack in the Box and to take care of Grandma" yes Joey, we will see how that all pans out... 
Lastly, maybe most importantly, my cats. No, I am not some crazy cat lady who is going to live in some dank house with 87 cats and kinda sorta always smells like cat food and musk. No, I have two cleverly named kitties who are more loyal that any dog I have yet to meet. Spooky, and Oreo. Yes, I told you, cleverly named. I am sure that at some point you will read more about them, but that's far too much for now. 
Anyways, I don't know how many of you out there actually care about my postings, but if you do thank you. I hope that I made you smile at least once.

Chocolate and Poptarts, 

Sarah